The importance of understanding for healthy relationships

Understanding and relationships have a powerful correlation. In fact, where there is no understanding, there is no real relationship. This was the core message in a recent Hidden Brain podcast with Dr. Harry Reis, Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester. As a social psychologist, Dr. Reis has been studying intimate relationships for years and has shown that understanding and wanting to be understood are absolutely core to intimate relationships.

Understanding goes both ways in a relationship: Understanding yourself authentically; and understanding the other person authentically.

But that begs a question: how well do you understand yourself?

The quest for self-understanding has been a human fascination dating back to the days of Socrates (probably even before). In fact, the phrase “Know Thyself” was inscribed on Apollo’s temple in Greece sometime around 300 BC.

When we enter relationships where we are not authentically our true selves, healthy growth is almost impossible. While this all seems like common sense, living authentic lives is an ongoing challenge for humans, according to Dr. Reis.

So, here’s the paradox: If wanting to be understood is so important to our relationships and well-being, why do so many people regularly keep their true selves hidden, even partially?

“We are primed by evolution to be very concerned about being accepted in our group. We all have a very strong need to belong,” said Dr. Reis. He goes on to say that fear of rejection, insecurity, and uncertainty often override our reality and we create a “hidden self.” This shows up when we don’t speak up, speak truth, or marginalize ourselves in anyway.

This lack of authenticity is destructive to the individual and the relationship. As Dr. Reis notes, it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that dooms the relationship.

“Things like love and trust and caring simply don’t work if there isn’t understanding.”

Real understanding is knowing who you are, and then believing that the people on the other side know who you are, and together you care, validate, and accept each other. It doesn’t mean you agree with everything the other person says, but that you find an understanding of their point of view and validate that.

This applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones. Take the perennial parent-teenager conflict where teens feel like their parents do not understand them. Or the employee who thinks their boss or coworkers do not value their unique strengths and skills. Frustration breeds, lack of trust takes root, and people start to disengage.

“People feeling misunderstood is something that is growing by leaps and bounds in the world we live in now,” said Dr. Reis. “And with all the stresses and tensions we have there is more and more of a need to get connected with other people and part of that connection involves the sense of really understanding where people are coming from.”

Aside from the fact that being human is messy business and we are innately subject to biases and irritational behavior, Dr. Reis explains why this is happening so intensely now. Evolution begs us to adapt, learn, and iterate.

“In the past, you lived in communities with people with common interests and values. Now, we are so much more digital, mobile, and globally connected that we come across many different and diverse backgrounds. So, establishing a core base of understanding is being challenged.”

The need for understanding is paramount in human society. Here are five ways to develop your understanding.

· First, be authentic. Live in your truth. Embrace authenticity and don’t hide parts of you out of fear of how others will think and react.

· Second, don’t make assumptions. Resist the urge to negatively ruminate. Keep a check on your irrational emotions and runaway thoughts.

· Third, become a better listener. Don’t be thinking about what you will say next. Seek to understand their point of view before sharing yours.

· Fourth, restate for clarity. Repeat back what you are hearing to ensure clarity. Make sure the other person knows you heard and understands them.

· Fifth, embrace vulnerability. Clearly share your authentic feelings, desires, thoughts, and objections. Vulnerability is not a weakness; it is a superpower.